Coffeecraft

Guys, get this. I was in Starbucks the other day. Just ordered my coffee (I like mine mild) and as I’m adding non-fat milk, my eyes dart over to this guy in a suit next to me. Noticed he was adding sweetener to his coffee. Not only that, he put Soy in it.

And his stirring technique was way off.

He was using his stir stick going clockwise 3 times before going once counter clockwise. Everyone knows proper technique is to go 2 clockwise and 2 counterclockwise to really optimize distribution of cream to sugar. He wasn’t even mixing it the right way. No way did he deserve to be at Starbucks.

He also has to use exactly 2 cream and 2 sugar.

I mean what a total scrub, right? He should just quit coffee entirely. What a casual. That’s not real coffee. Him drinking coffee is ruining my caffeine ingesting experience. He should be using real cream and legit sugar. Oh not only that, there was no lid on his cup of coffee. Come to think of it, I don’t think the cup that coffee was in is even worthy of that coffee that he’s drinking.

Sometimes I think real coffee is only for the hardcore crowd.

All the noobs should stick to instant.

You know, speaking of coffee, many of friends give me sass for drinking that stuff. Someone brought up the point that coffee’s just getting too old and outdated. Energy drinks are the way to go now.

There’s more energy in them.

There’s different taste.

And it’s just a new, different experience altogether.

But come on, let’s be real.  When a new energy drink comes out, I’ll try it out for a bit. I might even give it a month or two. But after a while, I just end up losing interest and switch back to coffee. Yeah, I guess coffee can be boring. But you know, I go to different coffee shops. Every few months, they release new blends and brewing techniques. The experience is slightly different but at least you’ve surrounded with the warmth and familiarity coffee has to offer. You’ll always have that small group of people who’ll enjoy their energy drinks despite the fact that coffee continues to be one of the biggest on the planet.

Now you might make fun of me for this, but I like to add a little non-fat milk to my coffee. Helps cool it down a little quicker which means I can consume it earlier without risking my mouth being incinerated. Even I get made fun of by the real hardcore crowd. We’re talking the 1% here. They tend to be the first people in their regions to try out new coffee.

They drink theirs black and look down on everyone else that adds cream or sugar. Something about altering the secondary stats of coffee and it being the complete wrong setup?

And then you’ve got the crazy folk who add honey.

You know, there’s more coffee shops around then before. Here we’ve got Starbucks, Waves and Tim Hortons (I hate Tim Hortons). It’s really increased accessibility. I’m seeing more and more people drinking coffee now than before. I guess that’s okay though. I mean, why shouldn’t people get to experience coffee regularly? I can understand the fact that not everyone has the ability to set aside time in their week to really sit down and enjoy their coffee. At least they’ll still get that chance.

What’s really annoying is the people who like to make snide remarks about your coffee preferences months and months after you change them.

Seriously. Get a life.

All I want to do is to enjoy my coffee in peace. Maybe I can’t drink as much of it as the best coffee drinkers in the world, but I’d like to think I can hold my own. I know some people out there have questioned my choice in blend, size, roast and milk usage. Some are even appalled that I don’t add sugar! But honestly, coffee can be enjoyed in a variety of different ways. There’s no one ultimate way to brew coffee. So why the remarks, huh? How am I harming you?

The way I drink my coffee has no impact on the way you enjoy yours.

Hmm, maybe that’s the way it should be approached. Of course I might randomly make fun of people I know based on how they drink their coffee. But as long as they’re enjoying it, why give them too hard of a time? Coffee should just be enjoyed best by however people choose.

And all you coffee haters out there?

Go back to drinking tea.

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About Matticus

Matticus is the founder of World of Matticus and Plus Heal. Read more of his columns at WoW Insider. League of Legends player. Caffeine enthusiast.

Comments

  1. Hah, I think you need to drink *less* coffee Matt 🙂

    Jokes aside I like the analogy.

  2. I tried the newest energy drink right before Christmas. I guess the name really got me interested, branding and all. But after trying it out for about a week on a daily basis, I just had to admit that I missed the comfort of coffee. Sure I haven’t been drinking mine that regularly since the summer past, but it just never loses that homy feeling it has given me since I took my first sip.

    And ever since I left that energy drink for what it was and got me a nice, fresh cup of coffee, I have refound my love for it. I don’t think i’ll ever grow tired of it. And I’ll enjoy it just the way I like it, and allow other people their quirky choices of how they like theirs. I’m pretty sure we’ll all get along fine!

    • I can see myself drinking it every once in a while. Probably won’t be too hard core into it or anything but a casual drinker, you know? ^^

  3. lol. I love it 😀

  4. Brilliant. Love it. Thank you for this post, such an amazing comparison!

  5. Head. Exploded. And now Coke all over the keyboard.

    Awesome, Matt!

  6. “I hate Tim Horton’s” … And you call yourself Canadian.

    All kidding aside, this was a great comparison. Nice insight!

    • Seriously Tim Hortons just isn’t the greatest. The coffee just isn’t as good comparatively. It’s quite watered down, IMO. Maybe its just the one in my area, who knows?

  7. I love the analogy! This was so fun to read. 🙂

  8. I tip my hat to you, sir! Or I would if I was wearing one. That’s a wonderful comparison, and also, everyone knows real coffee drinkers drink iced, so they get the caffeine quicker! (or maybe that’s just the way it is in my “server”, since very few want a hot drink when it’s 90 degrees out).

    I’ve never quite understood that mentality. If you’re having fun and you’re not directly preventing me from having fun (like by doing under 10k dps on Ultraxion when we’re wiping because we’re not beating the enrage timer), then all is good.

  9. Verityhygeia says:

    My mind’s been blown O_o

    I have never heard of Tim Hortons (maybe they don’t exist in my part of the world), but funny thing this: I work with a Tim Horton and he is constantly drinking coffee.

  10. Lol, tihs guide is total fail.

    u know that cream is epic fail for filter? And u dont even mention weight ratio of grinds 2 water or temp range of water for maximum xtraction. Energy drinks, lol.

    There r many other mistakes in this guide, but i cant be bothered to point them out.

    ur site is so bad not even t drinkers shud use it.

    The above is a parody, in case anyone’s in any doubt 🙂

    I may have been maintaining guide posts for too long… And possibly also had too much coffee.

  11. Freaking Starbucks, catering to casuals.

  12. The problem is, there are just as many guys who will invite themselves to your table, spill their coffee all over you and the table, and then demand that you give them half of your cup since they don’t have any left anymore. When you refuse, they call you coffee-elitist who just sits in a coffee shop all day because you have no life.

  13. I saw what you were doing there, read it all because it just read really zippy, bet it was all the coffee.
    Great read and really really makes you think about how the imposed differences we have going are just so … childish.

  14. Great. Today I ran out of coffee. 🙁

  15. I found it funny you referred to Starbucks as “Real Coffee”… silly americans.. silly silly americans

    😛

    • Actually… I’m from Canada. ^^

      I personally prefer Starbucks because it packs the strongest punch out of the chains in my area. There’s a great place in downtown Vancouver called Mario’s. But, it’s not worth the 25 minute train and bus ride for. If I’m ever in the area, I make an effort to hit it up though.

  16. Still a noob =( need more cofee

  17. I like Tim Horton’s. And I’ve been known to use regular sugar with whole milk, though my stirring technique is definitely off the mark. I’m sure doing it wrong.

    This is perhaps the sharpest, smartest, funniest lambasting of social media snobbery that I’ve ever read. Thanks for taking the time to publish this piece.

  18. I’m with ya on the Tim Horton’s being awful, from the Prairies i can assure you its not just in BC that its bad. Fantastic post as well!

  19. I like two sugars and just a bit of cream, doesn’t matter what kind. Stirring technique is important, but I do admit there is variance. It is unacceptable, however, to leave the spoon in the mug while drinking. This is a noob mistake.

  20. Pfft everyone knows that coffee is a noobs drink and tea is where its really at. Brewing tea takes real skill. People are just jumping on the coffee bandwagon because chains have made it so easy to get.

  21. I’ve made a great new cup to help with your coffee drinking experience. It has a readout that will tell you the volume of coffee you have remaining. It also monitors coffee temperature so you know when you’re at the right temperature to take that first sip.

    There is an optional peripheral that will even (with a little legwork to set it up for your personal coffee style) tell you the amount of sugar and cream (or non-fat milk for those who roll that way) in your coffee, if you choose to not drink it black.

    Best of all, it’s incredibly lightweight and will not get in your way or slow you down, unlike some of those other custom coffee cups out there.

  22. Lychordia says:

    Oh how wonderful! I loved it. Context can sound silly when you switch the topic. Paradilicious!

  23. Actually I’ve been enjoying raktajino lately. Not as much in the finished cup as normal coffee, but the process of getting their is quite a bit of fun, for me anyway.

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