12 Reasons Why Priests Don’t Make the Best Lovers

12 Reasons Why Priests Don’t Make the Best Lovers


Hear-ye, hear-ye, ye backstabin buccaneers!

As me learn-ed scurvy dog colleagues o’er the past few days have discussed about ye class lovers, I have discovered one thing. Ye think Priests make the finest landlubbin’ lovers, do yeh? Well ye be wrong on that count and let me tell ye why! Priests are the exact reasons why thar exists women scorned by which fury hell hath no! Nay, we be nothin’ more than gentlemen o’ fortune so ter speak.

Ye got yer Warlocks! Then ye got yer Captains! And yer goody two shoes Pal-eh-din! A lot of mateys believe that Duh-ruids are tha bettar ones in bed! And of course, Rogues do it from behind (because they’re not smart enough to do it from other positions, harrrrr har har!). Cannae’ forget our tentically hoofed buccanneers!

But here’s why hookin’ up with a Priest be like findin’ fool’s gold!

Fortitude only lasts 60 minutes

Aye, we be full of stamina and strength but fer how long? We can only go 60 minutes before we become tired out ye know!

Staves, Maces, and Daggers

We not exactly be the most skilled with our weapons. Ye never see a Priest with maxed out weapon skills! Ye think we’re any better in unarmed… combat?!

Constant drinking

There be only so much energy a Priest has before they need to batten down the hatches and drink. I find it nigh impossible that a lass would be able ter wait tha’ long fer us to recover (and plunder her booty)!


Harrrr! Our inability to withstand pain means activities be limited! Our robes can only handle so much punishment from a cat o’ nine tails! Unless we take ’em off…

Limited shields

Yarrrr, ye realize our shields can not withstand lovin’ power of that maggggnitude before they buckle under pressure! Oh sure they can protect ye, but for how long? And what will ye do when that bubble be breached?

Never satisfied with just one

We be busy scannin’ all the time for potential targets! We cannae always commit to one, ye know! It be too difficult for Priests to be monogamous!

Too pure

Can we consciously betray our teachings of the light? No! Thar be no such thing as a promiscuous Priest! Not ter mention, I cannae dream of a scurvy cur who’d want ter shack up with the dirty Shadowy ones! Only a wench would!

Too much Discipline

Discipline. Priests have too much of it! Even one point invested be far too much for the ordinary lass! We shan’t betray our cause or our purpose which means we not tha’ righ’ choice!

Too poor

Priests are the most lily-livered class you’ll encounter, me hearty! We don’t have the doubloons to afford even the most scallywag of Warlock wenches!

So ye see lad, while you may think that Priests make great lovers, ye best be takin’ your reasons to Davey Jones locker!


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About Matticus

Matticus is the founder of World of Matticus and Plus Heal. Read more of his columns at WoW Insider. League of Legends player. Caffeine enthusiast.


  1. T’ spittin’ image o’ a catholic priest

    Ayliis last blog post..Warrior Changes in 8962

  2. Are you a pirate or a Scotsman?

    And I dunno maybe it’s a CoH thing, I find as an IDS priest, I bring a lot of spirit to my activities and can easily commit to one target if needed. Plus binding heal means I can take care of myself without ever shifting my attention.

    Auzaras last blog post..Why GMs make the best lovers.

  3. Also, you’re totally shorting us 3 reasons!

    Auzaras last blog post..Why GMs make the best lovers.

  4. Away wi’ ye, ye scurvy priest. XD

    Methinks we ought ter talk in pirate-wise fashion more often in this heer blogge.

  5. “I cannae dream of a scurvy cur who’d want ter shack up with the dirty Shadowy ones! Only a wench would!

    I’m good with that. Also, awesome list. =P

    Trollin’s last blog post..A Winrar is RTZS

  6. Don’ t be so down on your self. There is one thing you can be sure of with a priest.

    They are disease free.

    Graylos last blog post..WotLK Beta Update – Build 8962

  7. @Auzara: Arrrrr! I was hopin’ someone would come up with the rest! The pirate noggin’ cannot come up with anymore!

  8. Allindra - Smolderthorn - Alliance says

    Pshh…so long as you bring enough candles, fortitude can be rebuffed. A never-ending supply of stamina!!! Plus, a priest can fort up not only themselves but their lover as well! Ha.

  9. haha major points for the pirate post on talk like a pirate day!!!

    snostreblas last blog post..Fraps isn’t all fun and games..

  10. Snostrebla, agreed.

    As a priest, i concur with everything stated here.

    but what we lose as lovers, we make up for in spirit!


  1. […] An easy process in how to be a World of Warcraft God in 5 steps is laid out for those with deity-like aspirations. As one of the few bloggers and healers with access to a WoW beta account, Matt takes a realistic look at level 80 raid healing. The third blogger is chosen to help round out the World of Matticus editorial team. Sydera, SYTYCB winner, continues to lend her wisdom in building a guild. Saresa attempts to seduce Matticus with reasons why Warlocks make the best lovers after he aptly states Warlocks aren’t his type. He counters with 12 Reasons why priests don’t make the best lovers. […]

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