12 Reasons Why Priests Don’t Make the Best Lovers

12 Reasons Why Priests Don’t Make the Best Lovers

pirate

Hear-ye, hear-ye, ye backstabin buccaneers!

As me learn-ed scurvy dog colleagues o’er the past few days have discussed about ye class lovers, I have discovered one thing. Ye think Priests make the finest landlubbin’ lovers, do yeh? Well ye be wrong on that count and let me tell ye why! Priests are the exact reasons why thar exists women scorned by which fury hell hath no! Nay, we be nothin’ more than gentlemen o’ fortune so ter speak.

Ye got yer Warlocks! Then ye got yer Captains! And yer goody two shoes Pal-eh-din! A lot of mateys believe that Duh-ruids are tha bettar ones in bed! And of course, Rogues do it from behind (because they’re not smart enough to do it from other positions, harrrrr har har!). Cannae’ forget our tentically hoofed buccanneers!

But here’s why hookin’ up with a Priest be like findin’ fool’s gold!

Fortitude only lasts 60 minutes

Aye, we be full of stamina and strength but fer how long? We can only go 60 minutes before we become tired out ye know!

Staves, Maces, and Daggers

We not exactly be the most skilled with our weapons. Ye never see a Priest with maxed out weapon skills! Ye think we’re any better in unarmed… combat?!

Constant drinking

There be only so much energy a Priest has before they need to batten down the hatches and drink. I find it nigh impossible that a lass would be able ter wait tha’ long fer us to recover (and plunder her booty)!

Squishy

Harrrr! Our inability to withstand pain means activities be limited! Our robes can only handle so much punishment from a cat o’ nine tails! Unless we take ‘em off…

Limited shields

Yarrrr, ye realize our shields can not withstand lovin’ power of that maggggnitude before they buckle under pressure! Oh sure they can protect ye, but for how long? And what will ye do when that bubble be breached?

Never satisfied with just one

We be busy scannin’ all the time for potential targets! We cannae always commit to one, ye know! It be too difficult for Priests to be monogamous!

Too pure

Can we consciously betray our teachings of the light? No! Thar be no such thing as a promiscuous Priest! Not ter mention, I cannae dream of a scurvy cur who’d want ter shack up with the dirty Shadowy ones! Only a wench would!

Too much Discipline

Discipline. Priests have too much of it! Even one point invested be far too much for the ordinary lass! We shan’t betray our cause or our purpose which means we not tha’ righ’ choice!

Too poor

Priests are the most lily-livered class you’ll encounter, me hearty! We don’t have the doubloons to afford even the most scallywag of Warlock wenches!

So ye see lad, while you may think that Priests make great lovers, ye best be takin’ your reasons to Davey Jones locker!

Yarrrrr!

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About Matticus

Matticus is the founder of World of Matticus and Plus Heal. Read more of his columns at WoW Insider. League of Legends player. Caffeine enthusiast.

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