11 Excuses: How to Tell the Real Life Professions of Your Healers

11 Excuses: How to Tell the Real Life Professions of Your Healers

The people that play World of Warcraft come from all manner of job backgrounds and disciplines. Many of us are students. Some of us work in the office. No doubt there are players who come from military backgrounds. But did you know you can tell what kind of job your healer has when you put him on the spot? It’s true! It might not be relevant, but you might find it interesting to know what supports the fix of the WoW playing healer! I guarantee you that someone out there has uttered these words*!

*Note: Not a real guarantee.

Lawyer

"Do you have any evidence with which to base your claim on that it was, in fact, my lack of heals that cause my client, this tank, to lose health and subsequently die?"

Politician

"Think of the big picture. Our cause is just. I believe we have to stay the course. There is a concept known as acceptable casualties. The loss of a tank, in this case, certainly falls under that. As long as we complete our mission, then everything is perfectly alright."

Forensics

"Judging by the position of the tank relative to me and taking into account the time of death, I do not believe that I was the cause of the death of this player. I was within 40 yards and the heals were coming out. There is no logical reason as to why I let him die."

Doctor

"We don’t know what his cause of death is just yet. Blame cannot be issued until we establish how the player died. Pull up WoW Web Stats. I want combat logs of the last 5 players who interacted with the dead player."

Coach

"Let’s see the replay tapes again. I want a play by play break down. If you watch it, it helps prove that his dying had nothing to do with me at all!"

Accountant

"The numbers don’t properly add up. My heals more than made up the difference between that and the damage taken."

Psychic

"Your death was foretold. I was merely allowing the prophecy to come to pass."

Teacher

teacher

"You did not follow proper tanking instructions. You get an F in tanking. "

Marketing

"It’s a terrible tragedy that you died in a raid. This is an excellent example of why you should buy my Flask of Fortification! It boosts your stamina by 30! More stamina means you live longer, right? With the right mix of herbs and a small fee of, you can have 500 additional health and higher defense rating! If you act now, I’ll even throw in a free Spicy Crawdad! Limited time only, act now!"

Mafia

mafia

"3000 gold and half a dozen Crimson Spinels says that I didn’t cause the raid to wipe. Capice?"

Computer Technician

"Go restart your computer. That will solve most problems 99% of the time including tank deaths. There is no reason to blame anybody."

On a completely different note, there appear to be no photos of psychics anywhere.

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About Matticus

Matticus is the founder of World of Matticus and Plus Heal. Read more of his columns at WoW Insider. League of Legends player. Caffeine enthusiast.

Comments

  1. Stay At Home Mom…

    I have to do EVERYTHING! Buff the raid, heal the tank, renew the dps, watch MY mana and health, and clean up the corpses after. YOU wanna try this role mister “I get my helmet dented for a living”?? No, I didn’t THINK so!

  2. You couldn’t find a picture of a crystal ball?

  3. Sybil Trelawney from the Harry Potter books would work for the psycic, wouldn’t she?

    http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0000993/mediaindex

  4. Miss Cleo isn’t on the internet? Oo

  5. Too blurry :(.

  6. Student Stoner:

    “Wha? The tank? No, yeah, I like… TOTALLY healed him, dude. I don’t know why your recount says I’ve been afk for the last 3 pulls, I must’ve just been in the back of the raid, and you didn’t see me. Can I make it up after the raid?”

  7. Haha, that one’s good!

  8. Bastiaan says:

    Very funny!

  9. Psychologist:

    “After I didn’t heal you, how did that make you feel? Good, good, focus on that anger. Take ownership of the anger. Turn the anger around now, and use that against the target. That’s right, attacking the target will help you work through the pain. Attacking me is not the answer to your pain. Nice work *friendly non threatening smile*”

    I have to say, I did love the politician one though 🙂

  10. LOL Nice one 😀 You forgot about the Manager who delegates all duties to someone else to do – “I’ll get my secretary to get back to you on that…” 😉

    Yes my last guild leader really was like that! >_<

  11. This is great stuff!

  12. LOL@Jess. Spoken from experience? 🙂

  13. You forgot Auto Mechanic.

    “Yeah, that was a pretty nasty wipe back there. By the looks of it, i’m gonna need to get a new healing mace, an offhand that’s a world drop, a PVP necklace, and I’m going to need to hire a couple guys to help me get a chest piece from Black Temple. it’s pretty involved… so, uh, yeah, that’s gonna be around 7000 gold, so the sooner you can get me the money, the sooner I can get started on it.”

  14. Hmm psychos… psychics..

    try
    google image search

    Harry potter, Professor Trelawney

    😉

  15. Wow. Just wow. I am a teacher, and I do actually reference grades when I’m talking about people’s performance. However, following the American trend of university grade inflation, I’d be more like “that was some C- tanking.” I’m actually chuckling to myself here. Seriously though, those tanks who regularly die? They’re pushing the wrong buttons, or pushing them too slowly. I get tired of my healers getting all the blame.

  16. Ha. Very good. This was amusing (and too right). 🙂

    ~Rhoe

  17. That is hilarious, Matt. I love it. ^^ Hrm… -thinks- What type am I…. -muses-

  18. Engineer:

    Its not a problem with healing. Its a question of weight ratio. There’s no way that a gnome can tank something 50 times its mass and not get flattened; although, if said tank was a dwarf I suppose density would have to be factored into the algorithm. Don’t even get me started on cows, there’s too much meat to dig through to figure that one out in a timely fashion.

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