The Druid

This is a guest post from WoW Comedian Wistoovern, the same mind that brought us the Automated Healing Line and WoW, What If…! So you’ve bested the agents of Deathwing, and you eagerly await your turn to destroy the citadel of fire, but what do you do in the meantime? Well, you write poetry about WoW of course! This piece came across my desk and I couldn’t help but share it with you. It reminds me of my own WoW inspired poetry for Sentry Totem, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Once upon a server, seething while I wandered, PvPing
Searching for the Horde that ganked me the hour before
While I searched for rogues attacking, soon enough I heard a sapping
Sapping of a fellow Alliance, a night elf herbivore.
“Surely this is the sign of the scoundel that killed me before.
Time to pwn him to the floor.”

Yes, assuredly I could tell that this occurred during Winter Veil
and near the Darkmoon Faire as well not far from Stormwind (Coords 30,84)
The rascal was a doomed Undead, with eyes that summoned utter dread
But had no jaw within his head, this beast I do deplore.
His hair was stiff and bones did show down to their core
Through the leather armor that he wore.

Slowly I crept up behind with only one thing on my mind
Psychic Scream ’til he was blind and couldn’t take it anymore.
Then purple druid would morph to bear, with dead blood flying everywhere!
That this fool would think to dare the bravery of the Alliance, the boor!
I tiptoed close, his doom approaching like a pit demon of yore.
And soon enough, he’d be no more.

But for all my careful silence, stealthiness is a careful science
Requiring the strictest compliance of form – need I say more?
A twig snapped loud, my place revealing!  The forsaken spun, his quarry reeling,
Those undead eyes devoid of feeling!  He jumped back just before
I cast my Fear.  Too late; he knew what was next in store.
He Vanished and left us by the shore.

I swore and cursed, the night unheeding, then healed the Night Elf of his bleeding
And waited for the slow receding of the debuffs that he bore.
Soon enough, the saps had faded; his eyes grew firm, like the jaded
Windows of a soul berated, but his nod said little more.
I thought perhaps to introduce myself and find his name before
I took my thanks and trekked to Mulgore.

“You’re lucky I was nearby, friend; that rogue did very nearly send
Your spirit  to Elune and end your life forevermore!”
I spoke as thus, not sure if saying words in or out of good roleplaying
Could possibly somehow be betraying his gameplay wishes dujour.
“Perhaps it would be best if we did travel from this shore
And send you back to Kalimdor.”

And yet my friend made no reply, the green light shining in his eye
And dour angry face decried that I should say no more.
But mana full and armor repaired, I stood my ground ‘gainst him and stared
My own exasperation bared at his quiet anger moored
He said no word, and sought to offer no accord
And thus I spoke, in quiet roar.

“Perhaps in thanks, you could at least address the man that stopped that beast.
Through my acts alone, his attack had ceased, otherwise you’d be done for.
A blessing that I did intrude, but surely you would see it rude
To show no sign of gratitude; be calm, I do implore!
I ask for naught but thanks, but perhaps you would not abhor
To share your name as good rapport.”

Still the druid stared unceasing, the leather of his tunic creasing
As if the silence somehow pleasing my freed prisoner of war.
Soon it was his hands were glowing; his ears did shrink and skin stopped showing;
In moments there were feathers growing, a night elf moments before
Now an owl, which to branches in a nearby tree did soar.
He turned to face me and said, “Read your lore.”

I stopped and stared, but soon was grinning; the foolish night elf was beginning
To show the depths of prideful sinning.  “Think you this is a chore?
For I have listed among my goals to read the documents and scrolls
And tomes that ancient knowledge polls in libraries of ancient score!”
But the druid seemed to yawn as if he was suddenly bored.
Quoth the druid, “Read your lore.”

At that, I felt a bolt of danger from this rude and sullen stranger.
“Perhaps a friend of noble Ranger, come to Eastern Kingdoms from distant days of yore?
Maybe, then, you spent your summers training with the bold Windrunners?
Noble Vereesa (quite a stunner) that found her husband amongst the Kirin Tor?”
Could you be friend of hers, you man of war?”
Quoth the druid, “Read your lore.”

“Perhaps true fighter you could be, though it surely seemed to me
You needed help assuredly ‘gainst that recent undead sore.
Though I saved your from disaster; it could be you’re a battlemaster
Traveling these lands much faster than with the dangers from broken Draenor.
Could you be the Warsong Gulch general Lylandor?”
Quoth the druid, “Read your lore.”

“You came to herb among the trees before you came upon that sleaze
It still could be that from far overseas you tread upon this distant alien shore.
By skills assumed and then displayed, I think my patience is repaid!
From peaceful dell of quiet Moonglade you journey onward evermore.
Could be you the wise artisan herbalism trainer Malvor?”
Quoth the druid, “Read your lore.”

Sweat was beading upon my brow as I addressed the bird on bough
And sought to find the answer.  How could my honor be restored?
In silence my mighty mind did race through every tale that I could place
I knew that only by the grace of the Light could I even the score.
“Could it be that you are one of the mighty Defenders of Malorne?”
Quoth the druid, “Read your lore.”

From that point on, I filled the hours praying up to all the powers
To find the name that scours the darkness clean from darkened door.
I pressed him there with names unending, each defeating denial sending
My hopes to shatter and my spirit rending its pride upon the floor.
“Be you that slow Darnassian wanderer, quiet and fierce Crildor?”
Quoth the druid, “Read your lore.”

And thus the druid still is perched, while in Stormwind Library I have researched
And since that day tirelessly searched for the name that I would adore.
Donyal Tovald helps me in my quest, and as Harrison Jones himself attests,
I labor long against protests, seeking the name unknown heretofore.
Who knows what ancient mysteries I shall find as I explore?
Perhaps I shall leave here…nevermore!

The Automated Healing Line

Ever wonder what would happen if you’re in the middle of the instance and your healing spells just aren’t working? What if you had to phone in for divine tech-support to get those heals flowing? How about placing an order for a buff or a healing spell? Well, reader Wistoovern mused this very topic and this is the end result. I present you with the Automated Healing Line. I couldn’t help but laugh pretty hard at this one, I mean could you imagine having to do this every time you healed someone?

I don’t know about you, but working in tech support for a number of years and being a dedicated healer I just find this incredibly amusing. It’s especially funny for me because having worked in a call center with many WoW gamers as co-workers this just makes perfect sense to me. It combines call center humor with priest healing and gives a possible explanation as to that occasional healing latency.

Wist did a great job splicing everything together and getting the monotone computer voice just right, next time maybe we’ll hear the screams of the dying in the background as that raid boss comes bearing down on the group while the healer is on hold.

So, what did you think?

MS Paint: A raid leaders delight

MS Paint: A raid leaders delight

 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, MS paint is one of the greatest things a raid leader can use. Not just for making fancy diagrams or editing pictures with positioning marks, but also for the hilarity factor. Often times raiding can be quite stressful and anything you can do to add levity and lighten the mood can go a long way to making everyone calmer, happier, and ultimately lead to that satisfying kill. Other times it’s just awesome fun.

Back when Hyjal was progression content, my guild had a hell of a hard time with Archimonde.  As was reported in Guildwatch on wow.com, we had a whopping 103 attempts before he went down. People kept doing stupid things like you know, standing in fire. The raid leader and most of the officers were getting very frustrated, so I decided it was time to add some MS paint goodness to the mix. Here is what I whipped up:

About two nights later we downed the boss. Everyone having a good chuckle and relaxing helped a ton.

So I placed a call out on twitter for people to submit some of their own MS paint goodness and share some of the silliness with us, here is what I got.

This one is from Kris (Antikris77)

A wonderful representation of the Festergut fight!

Next up is a submission from Krizhek one of my new guildies and a local boy around town here.

I enjoy the consistency of this piece, simple and effective!

Our next piece is from our pigtail wearing warlock of doom Saresa

She broke out the color on this one!

I also received a link from the guild <Devolve> on Altar of Storms – US.  Lakini’s guildie thought that these were wroth noting and they were right! Swing over to Lakini’s blog to take a look at the Visual Guide to Plague Wing and the Visual Guide to the Crimson Halls.

Personally I love stuff like this. It makes me smile and I can look at it as a reminder that we are indeed playing a game and we are doing so to have fun. Sometimes there are fights or just things in general in the game that agitate so much it carries over to real life. Being able to take a couple steps back and add levity to the situation is not only suggested, it is also good for your health in the long run.

So how about you guys? Have any MS paint masterpieces to share with us? Any funny stories involving a humorous picture you created?

Until next time.

Ask Lodur!

Ask Lodur!

It’s been a while since we’ve had enough questions for me to do this but today happens to be one of the days I DO have enough! For those of you who don’t know about this I take questions over Twitter you can find me at the LodurZJ user name or you can use the hash tag #asklodur. Ask lodur is where I take the serious and the silly questions from our readers and give them an answer. Think of it as a Dear Abbey WoM style ;)  So without further ado, here’s today’s Ask Lodur!

Dear Lodur,

Will the new pet store cause the fall of WoW civilization as several WoW-“experts” have suggested?

Sincerely

The Zet

Dear Zet,

I can honestly say I don’t think so. Not unless they decide to let you buy say…Onyxia as a pet that you can unleash in PvP! Honestly though the addition of a pet store is nothing more then cutting out the middle man in the quest for more shinny non combat items for us in game. I hardly think that this break the game, and it is a FAR cry from being the Micro transaction model that other games such as Dungeons and Dragons Online and various other MMO’s have employed. This is no different then buying the cards for the collectible card game and getting an in came code.

Dear Lodur

Do you condone breaking and entering? Would you be ok someone broke into Blilz HQ for the supersecret t10 Shaman gear?

Kirby

Dear Kirby,

Well I personally don’t condone breaking and entering, I feel that the fact that Blizzard has not released the Shaman tier 10 to be as good a reason as any to look the other way >.> While I myself wouldn’t do it… if it happened to find it’s way across my desk I wouldn’t ask where it came from ….
Dear Lodur,

In the absence of trustworthy feedback, how do you evaluate your healing performance? Especially as a rsham?

Sincerely,

Herselftherogue

Dear The Rogue

An honest judgement of how you evaluate your healing performance can be done a few ways for a Resto Shaman. The first thing to look as is… Did the raid wipe? If the answer is no, then you’re pretty good to go. If the answer is yes then you need to look a little bit deeper. Was the cause of the wipe the target you were assigned to heal? Was it caused by a “stupid” death that you couldn’t heal through? Honestly it’s very hard to judge your performance individually. Basically if no one died or it isn’t a wipe, count it as a win ;)


Dear Lodur,

boxers, briefs, none or “other”?

Sincerely,

Shamanfan

Dear Shamanfan,

um… I don’t really know how to answer that one. Honestly though, it depends on the gear. If I’m in a kilt, there’s no reason not to go full dress! If I’m in actual chain maille pants well… that’s another story.

Dear Lodur

I have this thing were I feel the need to only cast PW:S on everyone. Do I have a problem?

Sincerely,

BubbleBoi


Dear BubbleBoi,

YES! seek help immediately! There is more to life then bubbles alone! If you continue down this path you will develop Bubbleitis! This is a very serious problem that results in tunnel vision, blurry awareness and can escalate as far as deadraidsyndrome! Get help before it’s too late!

That’s it for todays Ask Lodur, be sure to use the contact form on this site, or pop on twitter and ask away!

Until next time, Stay Classy Azeroth

Sig

No More Healing, Ever!

No More Healing, Ever!

marfi_triumphant

Well, here it is folks. Phaelia’s left the World Tree behind to go tend to her sprout, and BRK is likewise taking a break from WoW to spend time with family. And now me–I’m announcing today that I am changing my main character to my ret paladin Marfisa. I regret to inform you all that I will no longer be healing, ever. This blog is now exclusively about my determination to hit things upside the kneecap with a blunt instrument.

The Top Ten Reasons to Switch to Ret Paladin

10. Sure, I’m good at healing. But I’ve got a lot more room for improvement in the dps department.

9. I absolutely love regular 5-mans. I haven’t been to one on Marfi since Scholomance, but that’s not about to stop me.

8. I adore PuGs. No one ever, ever hears me complaining about fail PuGs. In fact, I love it when people play badly on purpose. As soon as I finish this post, I’m going to join a regular Nexus group and jump off all the ledges to my death, repeatedly. Bonus points if I can aggro some stuff onto my group while I’m at it.

7. Ret paladins are good at ganking people (or, at least, they’re better at it than resto druids). From now on I’m going to harass innocent people trying to do their Hodir dailies. I’ll be watching for someone to pull a couple of mobs, and when their health’s at 50%, bam! paladin burst damage, right to the face.

6. Crusader aura makes my gryphon fly faster and thus helps him burn calories. Everyone hates fat gryphons, so I’m doing the world a public service.

5. I really love the Macarena. It’s so much better than the Night Elf pole dance. Watching Marfi do her /dance emote brings back fond memories of that Carnival cruise I went on in 1997. . .

4. No more unit frames, no more mouseover macros. Just me and the numbers 1-6. I now have a free hand for gin and tonics while raiding.

3. I can pop wings every time I take a screenshot of myself. I am the angel of death!

2. Using Seal of the Martyr makes me feel superior to all the other dps. Look what I sacrificed to kill this boss! I deserve a medal. Whenever I have Seal of the Martyr up, I can throw my self-sacrifice in the faces of my selfish guild members and make them hate themselves for being such indulgent slackers.

1. With her new haircut, Marfi could be singer Lady GaGa’s twin. Don’t believe me? Check out the photo below. They were separated at birth, I swear. Maybe if hitting things doesn’t work out, Marfi can have a career as a pop singer. Half psychotic, sick hypnotic, indeed.

marfi_and_gaga

Oh and, by the way, happy April Fools Day kiddos.

Why Druids are the Best (and Worst) Lovers

Why Druids are the Best (and Worst) Lovers

I’ve decided to take up Matticus’s challenge from yesterday and put in my own personal bid for which class makes the best lovers.

If variety is the spice of YOUR life, then you simply must find yourself a druidic lover today. While I’m sure warlocks, and mages, and priests, can light your fire too, nothing beats a druid for sheer, er, flexibility. However, when things go wrong with your druid lover, they go very wrong. Join me for a look at the the pros and cons of a little walk on the wild side.

5 reasons to take a lonely tree home with you:

1. You’ll never be bored.

We can tank, dps, and heal, sometimes all at once! You want it, we’ve got it. Let a druid draw you in with her Entangling Roots. By the time she gets to Flourish, you’ll be hooked for good.

2. Druids are champion cuddlers.

We may look ferocious (not hard to accomplish while we’re tanking things with our face), but deep down inside, every druid is a fuzzy, snuggly kitten. Especially recommended for frosty mornings and rainy afternoons by a roaring fire.

3. We’re animals in the bedroom.

No really, we are. Let your imagination run wild.

4. Druids are very grounded.

Our roots go deep, and we like to stay where we’re planted. We don’t like to show off either. Even if we have fancy cars and flashy clothes, we’re the same old bear we’ve always been since level 10. That means we’re the ideal candidate for dinners with Mom & Pop or a night out with your buddies.

5. We don’t cause drama.

Animals are a lot less complicated than people, and plants even less so. Your druid lover gets a measure of inner peace from spending so much time in one of his simpler forms, and that serenity will make your relationship much less conflict-ridden.

5 reasons to leave that bear at the zoo where he belongs:

1. A leopard can’t change his spots, and a cheetah is always a cheetah.

Blame it on our bestial natures, but it’s hard for us to shake our natural instincts. If your druid lover has been up to any naughty tricks in the past, you’ll have to keep him on a short leash.

2. Druish grooming habits differ greatly from those of the human population.

Yes, we think that lichen growing on our boughs is attractive. Little bird’s nest by my left ear? That’s an accessory. And don’t even get me started on the bears. What do you THINK they roll around in when no one’s looking? If you don’t enjoy that musky, woodsy fragrance, I’d suggest a druid who specializes in melee dps. After all, kitties at least attempt to give themselves a daily bath.

3. We’ll never be your perfect match.

Druids are hybrids, but if you’re a rogue looking for a melee dps soulmate, or a warlock looking for a partner-in-corruption, we’ll never quite cut the mustard. If you are too much of a purist, you won’t get along with a druid.

4. All druids are shifty by nature.

If we’ve done something bad, you’ll never find us. If we’ve done something really bad, we’ll probably blame it on you and cower invisibly in your closet.

5. And finally, we’re too idealistic.

One of these days, the Emerald Dream will beckon your druid lover, and he or she will be afk until further notice. There’s a reason that most mystics stay single. If you do date a druid, you’ll have to help her keep her paws firmly in the here-and-now.

As for me, well, my dance card is full. Turns out that a tree’s perfect match is a warrior–heh, maybe the low intellect lets him overlook those scratchy branches.